Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
