I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
