I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
