Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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