New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
