my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
