If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
