the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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