Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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