i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
