he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
