He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
