Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
