you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
