We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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