Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
