I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
