he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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