I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
