I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize