Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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