Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
