Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
