Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
