if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
