the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
