either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
