awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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