she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
