Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
