i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
