We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
