but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
