Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
