Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
