Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
