I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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