Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
