He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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