If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
