Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize