Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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