I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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