96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
