I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
