Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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