my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He's a Shit stain on my heart
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
