My first STD was from a foam party
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
