I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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