just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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