i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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