I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
