He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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