I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
