Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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