I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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