Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
