Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
