woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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