Will you blow on my dice?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
