my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Found the puke drawer
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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