My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Found your dick twin last night
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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